I Never Knew...

 ... that I would react this way to my current situation. I don't think anyone ever plans on one of their parents getting a terminal illness, despite the fact that we all know that no one lives forever, and that smoking and drinking does a fuck ton of damage to the human body over time. Or the fact that my father is 80 years old and was a heavy drinker and smoker for over 50 years. 

Also, apparently at this time of my life, I am much more thoughtful in English that I am in Chinese. For context, I tried to blog in Chinese originally in my other blog for my dad, but failed miserably to continue my thoughts. I also really have to try being efficient, hitting 2 birds with 1 stone. My intention for the Chinese blog was a place to express myself but also hopefully become a source of inspiration, encouragement, and/or entertainment for my dad. I have to remember I don't have to always be doing something for others, I can do something purely for myself, like this blog where I can just say (almost) anything and everything. 

Anyway, so, I never knew how I would respond to my dad having cancer until now. I am a fairly open person, and I don't really have a filter especially when it comes to talking about myself. Meaning... I openly tell my colleagues about my not very secret pooping bathroom, or my wilder weekend plans. I never knew that I would shut down and not talk about my dad at this time. It's not that I mind that they know, but I really don't want to talk about it to them unless it's someone very close. The reason is I don't want awkward pity. I don't want it ending up being a competition of who has it worse. I don't want people to look at me with pity eyes. I don't want attention, because my goal in life is to be invisible like Google. 

I just want to exist and not be bothered.