夏虫不可语冰

The summer bug cannot speak about ice. 

Yesterday I had a long chat with my oldest sister and because I am who I am and she is who she is, the conversation ended up in a million different directions, with one direction going to my childhood. I always knew that I did not have a typical childhood for someone my age in Canada, but I kinda just looked for the silver lining in that I came out as an independent, thoughtful, and well rounded adult. 

As I got older, I realized that my childhood impacted me deeper than I knew. Long story short, my childhood was cut very short and as a result I have severe issues with self esteem, have very little self compassion and a fuck ton of self doubt. I hate to admit to this, but I am also a people pleaser. 

My dad is a very needy and controlling person who did not speak English and lived with me in Canada (and not Hongcouver) around the time I was in grade 7 and stayed in Canada ever since. As a result, I handled the bill payments, pretending to be an adult calling up companies for trouble shooting various issues, did store refunds for him, etc, while being very limited as to where I can go, was not allowed to join the dance team, and was not allowed to stay in my room to do my own thing because I was expected to sit in the living room with him when I was at home. I will never forget the time he banged on my door yelling at me to get out of my room and spend time with him. You'd think he caught me smoking or fucking a guy if you heard his screaming. I called my mom who was in HK in the middle of her night crying seeking comfort/help. I don't remember how it ended. 

I don't know why some people hear these stories and try to explain my dad's actions to me. It's like they are trying to help me feel better, by making him not the monster I thought/felt he was. But how does explaining his actions change how I felt at the moment? Even if a murderer has very good reason and motivation to kill someone, the victim is already dead and the murderer still gets their time in prison if they are caught. I am not dead and my dad is not in prison, but the damage has been done and I will always feel the way I feel about my childhood. 

Then this morning, at 6 fucking am in the morning, I get a long message from my sister explaining my parents' actions to me. She actually thought that not being able to travel was what I was the most sad/upset about in my childhood. The fact that she thought THAT was what I cared about shows how absolutely out of touch she is with my situation. Traveling to me is clearly a luxury item, and I don't think I was ever sad or upset my parents never took me anywhere. I just wanted a normal childhood with a supportive family. I wanted to be loved unconditionally. I didn't want to feel guilty because my dad had to take care of me in Canada when he really wanted to be in HK. I didn't want to have the mindset of a 30 year old when I was 10 years old.  I just craved the basics. 

Then she proceeds to talk about how my parents couldn't provide me with things like braces because they didn't have money, and how my non-childhood helped me become a successful person. Cool, thank the emotional abuse for making me better?! I would rather be naive and stupid and happy and taken care of some times. She said her silver lining with my dad's cancer right now is that it pushed her to be more brave with driving and speaking more English. Cool, you are also 50 years old adult living in a different house as my parents, and can leave a situation if you wanted to. I was 12, 13 years old, and stayed with my dad until I was done college at 21 years old. I could have taken up a part time job, moved out, and went to school, but I did not because I was struggling with passing school even with just school on its own and taking care of random things in English at home from time to time (things did improve when my mom moved back at grade 11 after my dad's acccident at work). At the time, my understanding is that you have to get a degree in order to move forward in life. 

While I am not mad at my sister because I know she didn't mean any harm, I was clear with her that she needs to let me feel what I feel. We have an age difference of 13 years and we had completely different childhoods. Even if we had the same childhood, we are allowed to feel differently and react differenly to a situation, because we are all different. You can't just brush it off by saying, "you think too much". Even if I am thinking too much, so what? I know I over think, but my feelings about my childhood are genuine. 

I Never Knew...

 ... that I would react this way to my current situation. I don't think anyone ever plans on one of their parents getting a terminal illness, despite the fact that we all know that no one lives forever, and that smoking and drinking does a fuck ton of damage to the human body over time. Or the fact that my father is 80 years old and was a heavy drinker and smoker for over 50 years. 

Also, apparently at this time of my life, I am much more thoughtful in English that I am in Chinese. For context, I tried to blog in Chinese originally in my other blog for my dad, but failed miserably to continue my thoughts. I also really have to try being efficient, hitting 2 birds with 1 stone. My intention for the Chinese blog was a place to express myself but also hopefully become a source of inspiration, encouragement, and/or entertainment for my dad. I have to remember I don't have to always be doing something for others, I can do something purely for myself, like this blog where I can just say (almost) anything and everything. 

Anyway, so, I never knew how I would respond to my dad having cancer until now. I am a fairly open person, and I don't really have a filter especially when it comes to talking about myself. Meaning... I openly tell my colleagues about my not very secret pooping bathroom, or my wilder weekend plans. I never knew that I would shut down and not talk about my dad at this time. It's not that I mind that they know, but I really don't want to talk about it to them unless it's someone very close. The reason is I don't want awkward pity. I don't want it ending up being a competition of who has it worse. I don't want people to look at me with pity eyes. I don't want attention, because my goal in life is to be invisible like Google. 

I just want to exist and not be bothered. 

Struggles

It appears I post every 7 years or so, and then go radio silent. Not that it super matters, I don't think anyone is desperately waiting for my next post or remember its existence anymore, including myself. Skimming through old posts quickly, at least I am not cringing at what I wrote before. Hooray!

A lot has happened since the last post. I've been going through a lot of struggles, some made up in my head, and some real legitimate struggles, like the one I am feeling this very moment. 

Being the youngest in the family, I am constantly seen as the baby. I am not entirely sure how much my family actually respects me as a real human being, with a husband, dogs, and a job. Yes, a lot has happened, including getting married to Andrew in 2020. Yes, Covid happened as well, and in a way still happening, though it is now more of a cold to most people. 

On the other hand, for the strangest reason(s), there are things I do that maybe I shouldn't have to. As I am typing this, I recognize that not all of these are huge things. Just things like, reading an email or letter in English and/or making a call in English. Or, I can live without my parents and just with my siblings as a child, I can do an international flight on my own as a child. Maybe it's my problem that I didn't say no. Maybe these decisions shouldn't be presented to a child at all. Maybe if I had said no, my mom would have made me do it anyway (she actually did say that even if I asked her to stay, she would have went back to HK anyway because my dad just "could not" go back on his own). 

I understand that things need to be done, and my mom always loved saying 三個和尚沒水喝, so I will typically end up doing these things to avoid any fuck ups. Though internally I truly don't understand why other people's concerns and issues matter more than mine almost without fail. I think it's really hard for me to understand how the "baby" is doing things "adults" should be doing. It's like saying, you are not really an adult, so your job, your family, and your life doesn't matter, but at the same time, you need to do all these things, because they are important, and you are the only one who can do it. Oh the hypocrisy. This is probably why I feel eternally fucked sometimes when it comes to dealing with my family. 

Growing Up and Apart

A lot of things didn't exactly make sense to me as they were presented to me as I was growing up. There are probably things that are presented to me now that won't make sense until I get older.

I never understood when my sisters told me the Chinese saying, 君子之交淡如水 when I was in elementary school. I guess that's what is nice about having much older siblings - you are exposed to these things at a much younger age, even if it doesn't make sense to you. 

At the age of 32, I finally understand what they meant. Good friends do not have to see each other all the time or talk to each other all the time. One of the people who knows me best is someone who lives on the other side of the world of me, who I never have problem resuming a conversation with when I see her that rare 1-3 times a year. She is married and has a child, while I am unmarried and without children. Although our lives are completely different, sharing the same values keeps our relationship together. 

As I get older, I value more and more the quality of friendships than the quantity of friendships. I've always been very stingy with my time, and only spend time with those who I enjoy being around because there is a deadline on life and I don't want to waste my time with people I don't want to be around. 

As we grow older, we gravitate more towards those who share the same values as ourselves. So what about childhood friends who you have a lot of history with? It's not easy staying friends when your values are different and they also gravitate towards those who share their values. True friendships should feel effortless even if they are not actually effortless... that's what I think anyway. 

I guess right now I am having a moment of guilt and doubt, as I'm not entirely sure how I feel about a childhood friend. Don't get me wrong, I do not hate this person, and I will try my best to be there for her when she needs it (not wants it), but it's clear we are off on very different paths to life. I think we should all understand that unfortunately, friendships are not reciprocal, and just because someone is your best friend, it does not mean you are theirs. In fact, I am pretty sure I am not my best friend's best friend, but just a very close friend but I accept it. I hope my childhood friend understands this and does not get offended if she ever finds out. Right now is not the right time to talk to her about this and completely unnecessary. There is a time and a place for honesty. 

Steamed Eggs

When I was still living in Hong Kong and my parents were visiting, they would stay with my sister since her place has an extra bedroom. Every weekend I would go to their place for dinner, and my mom would always ask me what I wanted to eat so she can make it for me. I don't have a taste for super complicated dishes, and actually most of my favorite dishes are super simple. One of the dishes I love is steamed eggs. I told my mom that is what I would like, and for weeks, she never actually ended up making it. When she asked me again what I wanted, I just said forget about it - you asked me before, I told you, and you never made it for me.


Yesterday I finally decided to ask my sister how to make the steamed eggs and it worked out! I then told Andrew about the story above, and said, see, now I don't need to ask my mom to make this for me. I had a moment of joy and then a moment of sadness. I actually enjoy being able to rely on my mom on some things, because that's how I feel like I am still connected to her.

It's not that my mom doesn't care about me, but she simply has too many kids and limited attention she can provide to each of us. You would think that because I am the youngest (by a lot), I would receive the most attention from her. Not really true. Growing up due to a number of reasons we just never really spent much time together physically.

I know she really wants to spend more time with me and do more for me, but she also told me before that out of all her kids, she knows I am the most independent and can take care of things on my own. So we both know that at the end of the day if it's between me and one of my sisters who is having a problem, I would never ask her to come to me, and she knows deep down I wouldn't be the first priority either.