夏虫不可语冰

The summer bug cannot speak about ice. 

Yesterday I had a long chat with my oldest sister and because I am who I am and she is who she is, the conversation ended up in a million different directions, with one direction going to my childhood. I always knew that I did not have a typical childhood for someone my age in Canada, but I kinda just looked for the silver lining in that I came out as an independent, thoughtful, and well rounded adult. 

As I got older, I realized that my childhood impacted me deeper than I knew. Long story short, my childhood was cut very short and as a result I have severe issues with self esteem, have very little self compassion and a fuck ton of self doubt. I hate to admit to this, but I am also a people pleaser. 

My dad is a very needy and controlling person who did not speak English and lived with me in Canada (and not Hongcouver) around the time I was in grade 7 and stayed in Canada ever since. As a result, I handled the bill payments, pretending to be an adult calling up companies for trouble shooting various issues, did store refunds for him, etc, while being very limited as to where I can go, was not allowed to join the dance team, and was not allowed to stay in my room to do my own thing because I was expected to sit in the living room with him when I was at home. I will never forget the time he banged on my door yelling at me to get out of my room and spend time with him. You'd think he caught me smoking or fucking a guy if you heard his screaming. I called my mom who was in HK in the middle of her night crying seeking comfort/help. I don't remember how it ended. 

I don't know why some people hear these stories and try to explain my dad's actions to me. It's like they are trying to help me feel better, by making him not the monster I thought/felt he was. But how does explaining his actions change how I felt at the moment? Even if a murderer has very good reason and motivation to kill someone, the victim is already dead and the murderer still gets their time in prison if they are caught. I am not dead and my dad is not in prison, but the damage has been done and I will always feel the way I feel about my childhood. 

Then this morning, at 6 fucking am in the morning, I get a long message from my sister explaining my parents' actions to me. She actually thought that not being able to travel was what I was the most sad/upset about in my childhood. The fact that she thought THAT was what I cared about shows how absolutely out of touch she is with my situation. Traveling to me is clearly a luxury item, and I don't think I was ever sad or upset my parents never took me anywhere. I just wanted a normal childhood with a supportive family. I wanted to be loved unconditionally. I didn't want to feel guilty because my dad had to take care of me in Canada when he really wanted to be in HK. I didn't want to have the mindset of a 30 year old when I was 10 years old.  I just craved the basics. 

Then she proceeds to talk about how my parents couldn't provide me with things like braces because they didn't have money, and how my non-childhood helped me become a successful person. Cool, thank the emotional abuse for making me better?! I would rather be naive and stupid and happy and taken care of some times. She said her silver lining with my dad's cancer right now is that it pushed her to be more brave with driving and speaking more English. Cool, you are also 50 years old adult living in a different house as my parents, and can leave a situation if you wanted to. I was 12, 13 years old, and stayed with my dad until I was done college at 21 years old. I could have taken up a part time job, moved out, and went to school, but I did not because I was struggling with passing school even with just school on its own and taking care of random things in English at home from time to time (things did improve when my mom moved back at grade 11 after my dad's acccident at work). At the time, my understanding is that you have to get a degree in order to move forward in life. 

While I am not mad at my sister because I know she didn't mean any harm, I was clear with her that she needs to let me feel what I feel. We have an age difference of 13 years and we had completely different childhoods. Even if we had the same childhood, we are allowed to feel differently and react differenly to a situation, because we are all different. You can't just brush it off by saying, "you think too much". Even if I am thinking too much, so what? I know I over think, but my feelings about my childhood are genuine. 

I Never Knew...

 ... that I would react this way to my current situation. I don't think anyone ever plans on one of their parents getting a terminal illness, despite the fact that we all know that no one lives forever, and that smoking and drinking does a fuck ton of damage to the human body over time. Or the fact that my father is 80 years old and was a heavy drinker and smoker for over 50 years. 

Also, apparently at this time of my life, I am much more thoughtful in English that I am in Chinese. For context, I tried to blog in Chinese originally in my other blog for my dad, but failed miserably to continue my thoughts. I also really have to try being efficient, hitting 2 birds with 1 stone. My intention for the Chinese blog was a place to express myself but also hopefully become a source of inspiration, encouragement, and/or entertainment for my dad. I have to remember I don't have to always be doing something for others, I can do something purely for myself, like this blog where I can just say (almost) anything and everything. 

Anyway, so, I never knew how I would respond to my dad having cancer until now. I am a fairly open person, and I don't really have a filter especially when it comes to talking about myself. Meaning... I openly tell my colleagues about my not very secret pooping bathroom, or my wilder weekend plans. I never knew that I would shut down and not talk about my dad at this time. It's not that I mind that they know, but I really don't want to talk about it to them unless it's someone very close. The reason is I don't want awkward pity. I don't want it ending up being a competition of who has it worse. I don't want people to look at me with pity eyes. I don't want attention, because my goal in life is to be invisible like Google. 

I just want to exist and not be bothered. 

Struggles

It appears I post every 7 years or so, and then go radio silent. Not that it super matters, I don't think anyone is desperately waiting for my next post or remember its existence anymore, including myself. Skimming through old posts quickly, at least I am not cringing at what I wrote before. Hooray!

A lot has happened since the last post. I've been going through a lot of struggles, some made up in my head, and some real legitimate struggles, like the one I am feeling this very moment. 

Being the youngest in the family, I am constantly seen as the baby. I am not entirely sure how much my family actually respects me as a real human being, with a husband, dogs, and a job. Yes, a lot has happened, including getting married to Andrew in 2020. Yes, Covid happened as well, and in a way still happening, though it is now more of a cold to most people. 

On the other hand, for the strangest reason(s), there are things I do that maybe I shouldn't have to. As I am typing this, I recognize that not all of these are huge things. Just things like, reading an email or letter in English and/or making a call in English. Or, I can live without my parents and just with my siblings as a child, I can do an international flight on my own as a child. Maybe it's my problem that I didn't say no. Maybe these decisions shouldn't be presented to a child at all. Maybe if I had said no, my mom would have made me do it anyway (she actually did say that even if I asked her to stay, she would have went back to HK anyway because my dad just "could not" go back on his own). 

I understand that things need to be done, and my mom always loved saying 三個和尚沒水喝, so I will typically end up doing these things to avoid any fuck ups. Though internally I truly don't understand why other people's concerns and issues matter more than mine almost without fail. I think it's really hard for me to understand how the "baby" is doing things "adults" should be doing. It's like saying, you are not really an adult, so your job, your family, and your life doesn't matter, but at the same time, you need to do all these things, because they are important, and you are the only one who can do it. Oh the hypocrisy. This is probably why I feel eternally fucked sometimes when it comes to dealing with my family.